How To Control The Opposition [For Dummies]

🙂

For those of you subscribed to me and/or familiar with at least the surface-level gist of my pseudo-scholarly explanation covering the machinations of dialectical manipulation, perhaps you wondered now and then exactly *how* I accumulated this deeply cynical reading of societal trajectories and moreover why I think and approach events this way. I’m mentally crazy, you say? Gone full-on lunatic mad?

Yes, that’s correct, I intrinsically am defined by what this reprobate world’s standards would deem to be “mental problems.” Try not going “insane” after a decade of nonstop mental suffering and knowing too much while surrounded by bad-faith manipulators in every corner gaslighting you by insisting you didn’t see what you saw, heard what abusers told you to your face, never experienced what was felt repeatedly and never forgotten, and/or that you’re just “too sensitive” or “childish.”

Remedial buffers against Pandora’s-Box levels of mentally snapped insanity are sometimes as lousy as you expect: video games, for instance. I’ve played the Plants vs. Zombies franchise since its beaming early days (a few years after launch), eventually moving on gradually away from the original two games into the Garden Warfare third-person-shooter sequels. GW2 is my actively contemporaneous domain of video game expertise—unfortunately EA¹ ruined the gameplay experience and the average gameplay nowadays is one-dimensionally unremarkable, so naturally I find exploits in the game’s natural mechanisms for trolling operations proving my capabilities of manipulating both team’s players in multiplayer—yes, both the Plant and Zombie players—as useful idiot stooges doing my long-term premonitorily decided bidding, serving my own lopsidedly ridiculous end agenda.

Some of you might recall my AI spam post two months ago where I explained my modus operandi for stalling Gnome Bomb rounds in GW2:

Video game trolling as caricature of Machiavellian-Faustian geopolitical reality?

Today, I will be explaining how I troll the Zomburbia stage in the Turf Takeover game mode. By the end of the article, hopefully you accumulate a vaguely familiar idea of how dialectical manipulation works, and what the actual roles of “thesis” and “antithesis” are in relationship to the “synthesis.”

Introductory background

GW2, building off of its predecessor, reintroduces the classically enjoyed Gardens & Graveyards multiplayer game mode. In Gardens & Graveyards, there is a journey of Plant bases that the Zombie team must take over before reaching the final special objective with a unique gimmick. There’s a universal timer for each objective, both the normal ones and final, defining how much time the Zombie team has left to take over the Plant base. The invading Zombie team can only obtain official victory by taking over all of the Plant bases, and if the Plants successfully defend any of their bases, whether at the first, in any of the bases in between the first and final, or at the final objective, the defending Plant team wins the match.

In the sequel, the structural idea of Gardens & Graveyards is expanded and designated as part of an umbrella Turf Takeover category, where on the flipside there is Herbal Assault: the roles of Plants and Zombies are switched so that instead it’s the Zombies defending bases while Plants are the invading team. One of the Herbal Assault maps is Zomburbia, where the final objective of the invading Plant team is to spoil the Zombie graduation ceremony by toilet-papering all the marked objectives across the final Zomboss Academy (Z Academy) area. At the final objective, if the Zombies successfully defend the base and prevent the Plants from toilet-papering all the marked locations by the timer hits 0:00, then the Zombies win and there’s an outro cutscene where Dr. Edgar George Zomboss delivers the speech to the graduating members of Zomboss Academy (which is literally just the players on the Zombie team in the match). If the Plants succeed in toilet-papering all the locations before the timer hits zero, then the university collapses and the Plants emerge victorious in the conquest and destruction of Zomboss Academy.

(read this PvZ Fandom page on Zomburbia for additional details)

Glitchy exploit

But there’s a catch! You see, in the final Zomboss outro speech in a Zombie defensive victory in the final objective, Dr. Zomboss delivers his speech standing on an Imp (yes, Zomboss is literally that minuscule in stature) on a section of the stage that is accessible to all the players within the map’s confines. In the case of a Zombie defensive victory, if a Plant player finds a way to vanquish the Imp that appears in the outro cutscene, then the entire round crashes. Yes, the entire round crashes, sending all the players back to their home Backyards.

From the troll/griefer’s standpoint, the goal is not to win on either the Plant team or win on the Zombie team. Instead, the goal when playing Zomburbia is to intentionally crash the entire gameplay and end the round by achieving that glitch in the final outro Zombie victory cutscene by vanquishing the cutscene Imp. How is this accomplished?

Step #1—‘thesis’: ensure the Plant team is powerful but not too overwhelmingly powerful

That glitch can only be achieved if the invading Plant team has made it to the final objective of the map and if they then lose in that final objective so there’s the Zomboss speech cutscene. It will not work if the Plants win the entire match and obtain a full victory in the final objective.

Therefore, the Plant team must be powerful enough to beat the first five normal invading objectives, but just barely lacking the capability to win in the final toilet-papering objective. When spawning into the round, no matter which side one is placed on and how far the Plant invading progress already has reached, observe the at-large dynamics: which team is stronger, more robust in strategic maneuvering, and functional as an organized team?

If spawning on the Zombie team and noticing that the Zombie side in any of the five normal map stages are too powerful at defending the objective and the Plants aren’t looking like they’re able to successfully invade, try switching teams and joining the Plant side to help them squeak out the victory. If that’s not possible, at the very least run zero defensive operations if the Plants are invading the base, and for all the possible AI Zombie bot spawn locations, install the weakest, most futile bots possible i.e. the Boxer Bot, lest other Zombie players place far more formidable bots (i.e. Hide-and-Shoot, Mr. Freezy, or Uplink) which only contribute to the Zombie defensive side hindering much-needed Plant progress.

This is the “thesis” side of the dialectical manipulation scheme from the standpoint of a troll hoping to accomplish that final glorious game crash: stoking out a proper balance to ensure the Plant side of the asymmetrical conflict is just powerful enough in relative relation to the strength of the defensive Zombie team. When the final toilet-papering objective is reached, the toilet paper sabotaging tools to execute are in 5 main locations: Beginning, Central, Library, Dining Hall, and Gallery. Always try to guide the Plant team in the final objective into fully completing everything except the Gallery. The Beginning and Library areas are easy-peasy to complete since they are in close proximity to the Plant spawn location, while Dining Hall is mildly tricky and Central is second-hardest after Gallery.

Step #2—‘antithesis’: ensure the Zombie team is powerful but not too overwhelmingly powerful

The “antithesis” is simply the other side of the same coin: ensuring that the Zombie team isn’t powerful enough to fully defend any of the first five normal bases, but still powerful enough to fend off the final objective once the Plants reach the final Z Academy toilet-papering objective.

What if the Zombie team is too weak?

If in the earlier gameplay—a.k.a. any of the first four normal stages—it looks like the Zombie team is getting completely steamrolled and wouldn’t stand a chance once the Plants make it to the final objective, this means that you on the Zombie team must be a strong enough player to balance out the fight just enough to pose the invading Plant team a headache and try mustering your own team into cohesive battalions. If you’re not a good player to begin with, then tough luck, buddy.

Now, if you’re on the Plant team and perceive your own Plant team as way too overly powerful steamrolling the Zombie defensive side, it might be tempting to think you can join the Zombie team, help the Zombie players gain enough strategic traction in preparation for the final objective, and then switch back to the Plant side. But be very careful about this gambit: many times it looks like the Plant team breezes through the first Scientist’s House stage objective, the second All-Star Mansion, the third Zombie Park, and even the fourth Stage (yes, it’s simply called the “Stage”²) objectives without breaking a drop of sweat, but the fifth normal objective—the penultimate normal objective before the Z Academy finale—is notoriously difficult for the Plant team to beat, and in most Zomburbia rounds the Plants don’t even make it to the finale stage because even if they are strong enough to trounce through the first four normal objectives, they are stuck on the fifth one and run out of time.

So if playing on the Plant team and feeling that one’s own team is already too powerful, first make it to the fifth and penultimate objective, and then decide if the Plant team is still too overly powerful at invading that normal objective too quickly and if it’s necessary to stall for a bit on the Zombie side helping the Zombie team gain some strategic traction to balance out the fight.

False flag operations

Another accompanying tactic to bolstering the Zombie team’s overall strength—in the case of a Zombie defensive side to weak—is to use a controlled opposition mechanism. See if the Plant team frequently spawns many AI weeds, especially high-health Leaf Shield, Vase, and Porcelain Vase Weed spawns. If so, then good: on the Zombie team, play as Toxic Brainz and keep punching Vase Weeds until the Toxic Overload meter reaches the full Legendary fullness and one gains that Toxic Overload to then trounce Plant players easily.

If the Plants aren’t spawning enough Porcelain Weeds, then see if it’s possible to switch from the Zombie to Plant team, spawn as many of the Vase Weeds as possible, and switch back to the Zombie team to play as Toxic Brainz punching one’s own spawned Vase Weeds to generate enough for Toxic Overload. Strategy of tension.

Step #3—‘synthesis’: crash accomplished

The final crowning accomplishment of actually achieving the crash is difficult, even if one makes it to the final toilet-papering special objective. Make sure one can actually play as a Plant character by the final timer’s countdown moments (a.k.a. within the last 1-2 minutes), because obviously that glitch—entailing the vanquishing of the cutscene Imp—can only be accomplished from the Plant side since Zombies are incapable of damaging other Zombies.³

As far as I know, there are three reliable methods to vanquish that cutscene Imp:

1. any Cactus character can physically traverse over to that podium area and place a Potato Mine right beneath where the cutscene Imp/Zomboss spawns, which will obviously vanquish the Imp upon impact explosion

2. if playing on the Deluxe version of GW2 which offers the Bigger Better Butter ability for Kernel Corn, throw that hot potato onto where the Imp spawns at the last possible moment (around 1 sec. remaining) before the timer ends to trigger into the cutscene, and the Bigger Better Butter’s delayed timing arrival (at least compared to the timing) should hopefully fall to the ground and explode right as the Imp/Zomboss spawns in the outro

   1. I don’t know if the regular Butter Barrage ability in Kernel Corn would work reliably, as it not only arrives quicker but its damage is far weaker and scattered in scope, begging the question of whether it would be capable of vanquishing the cutscene Imp—I personally would NOT rely on the regular Butter Barrage

3. any Peashooter character can Hyper over to that podium location in the last few seconds of the countdown timer and send out a Sombrero Bean Bomb in that podium area when the timer is at about 1 sec. remaining, and the bean bomb’s delayed explosion should detonate right after the cutscene Imp/Zomboss spawns in the outro

Strategy #3 is most reliable because it’s far easier for Peashooter to consistently Hyper over into that final location than it is for any Cacti character to riskily venture in its normal pacing speed into that podium location which is eerily close to where the Zombie players spawn. Strategy #3 is a pointless no-go if the final remaining toilet-papering objectives are anywhere but solely the Gallery, because if it’s Central or Dining Hall that remains, then the Zombies pass en route through that podium location to defend remaining Central or Dining Hall locations, making it practically impossible for Cacti to safely travel there without getting intercepted and long vanquished before even capable of reaching there. Even if it’s only Gallery remaining, sometimes a Cactus trying to sneak there gets intercepted by at least 1-2 Zombie players anyways and the whole plan goes up in smokes in a most devastatingly painful setback to the trolling operation, so the Potato Mine method is not the best idea. Strategy #1 is probably the most consistently reliable route to pull off the final stunt glitching the Zomboss outro cutscene and crashing the whole round, so long as the bean bomb is not released a second or split-second too early.

If you’ve ever managed pulled that trick off as I have numerous times, then congratulations: welcome to the big league of psychological operational (“psyop”) mastery as not only/merely a spectator, but as an analogically capable operator.

Conclusion: takeaway lessons

You see, the “thesis” and “antithesis” aren’t so much the Plant and Zombie teams themselves from the standpoint of their majority ranks who wish to fight a straightforward battle attaining a straightforward game victory. More importantly, the “synthesis” here is not about any sense of merging the two teams’ own separate goals into any materially defined simple fusion. Rather, the “thesis” and “antithesis” are simply the two sides of the same coin: that figurative “coin” here is the fundamental singular objective of trolling the round by vanquishing the cutscene outro Zomboss graduation Imp in order to crash the round. That is it! The synthesis is nothing more than that achieved end goal.

Therefore, the relationship between “thesis” and “antithesis” is this: both the Plant and Zombie teams must be guided and steered in a particular direction—all understood at a meta-psychological level by the troll/griefer desiring that crashing outcome—in order to facilitate the necessary conditions enabling the executing of that final act vanquishing the cutscene Imp to crash the match. If the Plant and Zombie teams weren’t playing Zomburbia to begin with, then there is no Zomburbia match at all to crash at all and no players to troll. If there’s no master trolling operator manipulating both teams into this end result, then there is no thesis-antithesis dialectical relationship, because “thesis” and “antithesis” isn’t merely about the existence of two literal sides but their usage in a specifically manipulated fashion.

Not only must there be enough highly skilled players on both teams, but the finer trajectories must be very cautiously steered asymmetrically by the master troll/griefer/manipulator who knows the game in and out to possess the capability of being that match-decider throwing the pivotal weight helping one team successfully defend a stage or the other team invade that stage. It’s a task only a true OG player of GW2 could pull off repeatedly with mastered and maximizing shrewd efficiency.

And guess what? The way I troll Zomburbia rounds is hardly any different from how real-life puppeteers—i.e. the CIA, MI6, DGSE, Mo(SS)ad, KGB, and MOIS⁴—operate and hasten proxy war conflicts.

Don’t be that person winning a dozen “I Fell For It Again” awards in a row. Start climbing your way into the big leagues even if no one else around you are.

1. I assume it was EA. To give PopCap their fair share of credit, they’ve made tremendously atrocious decision as well, as both entities chose to lay off George Fan in an early dispute over PvZ2’s status as a freemium game.

2. Worth the standalone simplistically defining name, because it features a uniquely iconic music theme of its own.

3. At least in normal majority circumstances. There appears to be a weird exception in player Backyards where it’s possible to damage other players on one’s own team—that happened to me once when I entered into someone else’s Backyard to stir up pointless agitation—but I don’t currently know the full reason as to why that exists.

4. DGSE = French foreign intelligence; MOIS = Iranian intelligence.